self portrait

Why do I punish myself so? I’ve averaged five hours of sleep all week and last night was no different. Today I have yet to eat a real meal and I’ve been awake since 8 am. Instead I’ve been stuffing myself with white chocolate macadamia cookies that my last surfers gave to me as a gift last weekend (so sweet of them!). I’ve been procrastinating on working my goal sheet and leaving things until the last minute (like my third photography assignment which I finished 30 mins before it was due last night).

What in heavens is going on?

Perhaps this has something to do with the news from my father three days ago that my mum has been diagnosed with some form of ovarian cancer, something which has attacked her liver and caused her stomach to bloat (which she had to go to hospital for last week and have the fluid drained). She’s also lost twenty kilos since I last saw her in October last year. My cousin sent me a photo of her and she looks frail and starved. She hasn’t been eating. My my mum told me that herself when I was on the phone with her last week. It hurts for her to try. She hasn’t been sleeping either. I could hear her cry practically the whole time that she was on the line with me. I didn’t know what to say, other than “you need to take care of yourself” and that I’d be in Sydney to vist in May.

The day that I had heard the news I had no idea how to deal with it. I was numb really.

I have since accepted this event for what it is, an event. How I choose to perceive the event - positive or negative or neutral - is completely up to me. Same as how you choose to perceive it is up to you. There is no inherent good or bad in somebody getting cancer, it’s just natural and it happens.

I choose to not go down a negative emotional path. Moderm medicine will do its thing and she’ll need to determine whether she has more to experience of life. I can only hope that she feels that she does and recovers from this stronger than she was before.

Now if only I could get my act together and just do the needful.

I was meant to attend a CS boardgames night tonight but that’s not happening. Instead I will resign myself to a pizza from Mammas (it’s been a while), catching up with editing and sharing some photos that I took ages ago but never got around to completing, doing some work towards my goals, and perhaps catching up on Survivor, Lost and reading a bit of Chicken Soup For The Soul (great great book!) before turning in for a reasonably early night.

Early start tomorrow and a full day of events ahead.